I've certainly not been "myself." What is this wake of destruction? What is this behavior that is far from my personality, reverting to such childlike and reactionary means of dealing with people I love? I speculate that the accumulation of stress, the instability of my environment, the grief that has been pelting me from all directions are key contributors. Maybe the gradual decline of my emotional support system, the resulting loneliness and resentment that has crept in incrementally... I'm reluctant to consider the possibility that deficiency of a certain chemical might be the culprit, or that it, readily available in pill form on my bathroom shelf, may also be the key, although what an easy (but not simple) temporal solution. And is it really not "myself?" Or is this reactionary behavior possibly evidence of some deeply rooted flaw in me that needs eradication? There's someone I know who seems to think so, and while that suggestion is initially quite a terrible affront, I've asked for the humility to really check the mirror and see if there is not indeed some truth in her grievous words.
In retrospect, there is no surprise that at a time when God is requiring something truly difficult and selfless of me I'd be one to rebel, and it is in this shirking of responsibility that I've been so careless and selfish. It's quite odd- He's been providing beautiful opportunities for healing from the past and for creating something glorious for the future.
So I need humility, I need courage to amend and to face the natural consequences of my actions.
And Elvis died 30 years ago today- that's probably the real root of my issues.
Jessica and Justin
- jessica
- Van, TX, United States
- I am a farmer and a doula. My husband and I are recently planted into the soil of East Texas. Together we seek, we learn, we dance, we sing, and we grow vegetables, and I attend births. This blog is the ongoing story of our farming and birthing journey.
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